You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
