low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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