My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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