I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
