I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize