Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
