If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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