On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
