I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
