SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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