just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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