don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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