at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
