I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
