video games are the ultimate cock blocker
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
