I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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