Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
