Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
