i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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