I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
