the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
