..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
