White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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