shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
