new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
