I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
