hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
