If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
