You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
