Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize