There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
