My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize