The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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