if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
