Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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