I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize