do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
