You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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