I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
