i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
