Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
