yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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