I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Your dad touched me again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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