Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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