the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
