Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
