I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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