Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it's great music for shaving your balls
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
