I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Randomize