I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
