Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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