I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize