My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this is an emotional support booty call
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
