hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize