i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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