Your face is a jimmy john
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
